No thank you! Didn’t you see my cape?
I like to call myself a domestic ninja, a Super Mom with fierce determination to do all, be all (it started out domestic goddess, but with three boys I have learned to adapt to a more suiting method). I am strong, focused, efficient, productive, responsible, raising little ones to change the world, a Master Multi-tasker, a bit of an over-achiever/perfectionist and incredibly STUBBORN, yes that’s right, I am continuing with a series of truth, I am a stubborn super mom, in fact I think that is a prerequisite. I have mentioned in previous posts my personal history of struggle and recovery, my journey with spirit, yoga and awareness. I have shared my idiosyncratic messes like falling down the stairs and now I am admitting that my well intended attempts to keep the world ‘together’as a Super mom aren’t always effective.
My day started at 5am, I was arranging my yoga blanket for my meditation seat, I was so happy to ‘go in’ and start my day from a place of peace. I am situated, my spine long, eyes closed, breath in, breath out…beauty. Then the dog starts barking hysterically, growling, and demanding attention. I ‘come out’ to investigate; a quick scan of the yard leads me to a lost dog, a VERY cute lost dog. I must help! The scared dog runs, I run after it…through alleys and streets, yards, between cars and behind planters. I am dedicated; finally I get her and proceed with the necessary steps for returning her to home. She was safe; owners happy; mission lost dog success. It’s now nearly 6am, boys are stirring and I crack eggs (from crazy chicken) against grandmas blue bowl, pancakes mixing, coffee brewing, lunch assembled, homework packed, permission slips signed, shoes emptied of sand. Honey kindly shouts from bathroom, “need any help?” “Nope, I got it” I respond. I am always worried he won’t do it ‘right’, not fair to either of us, but remember I am a perfectionist and stubborn. Little bear wakes first and then biscuit, always welcomed into the day with snuggles on the couch. We sit together around a wormwood table stacked with crayola masterpieces and bowls of fruit to dress the cakes. Time is crunching, have to go…chew, chew, plates on the counter, teeth brushed, hair combed, shoes tied, water filled, out the door, one by one, two by two. Traffic, traffic, sit and wait, we fill the time with our ABC’s and times tables, catchy songs and knock-knock jokes. School drop off; hugs, kisses, “You’ll do great, I am so proud of you and love you more than anything….oh and eat your sandwich before your fruit snacks.” My heart still always sinks a bit when I have to walk away. Home again; dishes done, laundry going, chickens and animals fed, yard watered, scrub bathroom, mop. Time to hit the books it’s only 9am, but already 9am, where did the day go?!!? How I LOVE to learn and feed my brain, another kind of ‘going in’. I read, write, research, read, write, research, read, write, research for the next 5hours, sometimes 6 if I am lucky. Honey chimes in at random points, “Need anything?” “Nope, I’m good.” It’s time to get the boys and do errands; WOW, I am tired, half way through the day….I think I can, I think I can. School pick up; SO happy to have them again, though the day is full, it is empty without them. We talk, this feeds and nourishes me and keeps me going when at this point I just want a nap. Ice cream treats, bank, post office, groceries. While at the store, I am getting overwhelmed with little bodies that insist on jumping around shelves of whine bottles and complaining of hungry bellies and tired feet, I notice I have yet to eat and I could really use a bathroom break but I am determined to find where they moved my almonds. A clerk asks, “Can I help you?” “Nope, I’m good.” After packing my groceries we cart to the car with full bags, another clerk asks, “would you like help?” “Nope I got it” Now time to fill our 17 gallons of water, unload, fill up, “need help out with those mam (by the way…when the F*** did I become a mam?) My tight threads are starting to unwind, and rapidly, the stress is taking on….the stress I have placed upon myself. NO, I’ve got it, don’t you know, didn’t you hear me all day….I have it under control. I DON”T NEED HELP, I AM SUPER MOM. I hear this mantra ringing in the back of my head; it makes me sad, because my heart is saying, “YES, you need help!” All of a sudden I realize my kids, and a handful of strangers are staring at me, someone hands me a tissue to wipe my flooded eyes dry. I looked at them and humbly accepted the offer.
Why do I, and I am guessing many of you, put ourselves through this? What does our culture tell us about being a women, and a mom. What kind of unnecessary standards and expectations to place upon ourselves? What are we trying to prove, who are we trying to impress? I can be equally as Super even if I slow down and ask for help; even if I leave the dust balls on the ground for another day…or two. I can be a super student without having to get straight A’s, I can be a super yoigi without having to teach a thousand classes a week, I can be a real super mom by showing my human side. Not only is there external pressure but there is a whole battlefield on internal struggle, for me at least, that comes with my role of Super Mom. I recognize that my stubborn-ness, over-achieving is an unhealthy attachment to my need for control and security. Aside from a strong willed personality, somewhere along the way I learned that asking for help is a sign of weakness; an indication that I am incapable and therefore unwanted, unworthy, not good enough. Likely, somewhere along the way I felt that I had no control over the circumstances of my life, so I integrate a sense of control through the role of super, strong, keep-it-together-nothing -can -break -me mom. By asking for help, I admit my error, by not asking for help I think I am safe guarding myself from error and those situations I can not control; which is really unhealthy patterning and clearly not what is real. My life is hectic, it is beautiful and filled to the rim, it will probably always be, I like it that way. But what I need to remember is supporting it with the right intentions, making sure my Super Mom is working hard from a place of truth rather than fear. The growth comes when we move beyond the attachment, when we ask for help or release the grip of control, when allow ourselves to let go! It is when we allow ourselves to surrender that we begin to see our inherent perfect, value; that we are worthy regardless the situation, regardless of our ability to do something. Surrender is a concept we discuss often in yoga, it is perhaps one of the greatest daily off-the mat practices I have and can be applied in something as simple as hanging up my cape and asking for help.
Many blessings,
Robin Afinowich
