Continued from last post….. My Journey Inward: Part 1
My relationship to spirit was incredibly strong and grew significantly more meaningful throughout the years; it was the luring light that invited me to stay on this plane and the essence of hope that kept me going. It was the voice of truth that whispered to me as I slept and it was the pulsing love I felt when I closed my eyes. However, the deeper my connection to spirit was, the more I hid it from the people around me. I feared it would be violated, insulted, taken or shattered. It was the part of me that still felt at peace and therefore necessary to hold and protect. The harder times got, the more I tucked it away and I smothered my own unique light and began to doubt my worthiness, purpose and power. I had tantrums, outbursts and migraines from injustices that had been done and desperately searched for more understanding, validation and acceptance. In efforts to protect my goodness I created a fortress around me, a very tall one and ornately decorated. In my late teens my meals became Jack Daniels and Marlboro Reds (for those who know, could you imagine if Carrie and I were friends then!); they were the strong ones who could drown and cloud the weakness and depression that devoured me. They were the ones that gave me power and control. Despite the smart, tough girl, well kept together, ‘its all good’ happy image I portrayed by day, at night I would long for my boundless, natural self and would visit my spiritual safe haven, open the curtains and unlock the window back to my soft, sweet soul and breath the fresh air, a reminder it would be there waiting for me, some day… then I’d close it back up. There were times when I’d loose the key to my soul window. It was pulled down by a restless mind and heavy heart sinking in the harsh current of unforgiving whisky and terror. I would begin to believe the negative stories of self sabotage and worthlessness my mind played over and over, and I began to loose hope. At a crucial point of hitting rock bottom, a point where I was easily persuaded to go the other way, I heard a little voice in my heart whisper, “Open your wings and let go!” The next day I found myself atop a mountain and asked the winds of change to bring courage and clarity; soon after I began a meditation practice.
Join me on Monday, for part 3. Sign up to the RSS feed for your friendly reminder so you can continue the journey of a little bird! Here are some tools for the reflective space between now and then.
Why meditate? Mindful meditation allows us to become objective, it encourages us to separate from our thoughts. When we learn to separate from our thoughts they loose the power to create a reality based on the repeat story our internal dialogue creates. For instance, if my mind tells me over and over that I am unworthy, then I will manifest that feeling as truth (false) and will likely create a life, relationships and perception based on this false claim. I will hold back my ability to accept my goodness, gifts and my unique expression of something much greater than the story of the mind. If however, I begin to separate from this thought through mindful meditation, I recognize that I am more than the thought, that I can change the thought and through this process of re-framing I can change my experience of reality.
I also explored with a more transcendental kind of meditation which allowed me to move into a space of awareness that took me entirely away from the thoughts, and directed me more into a place of stillness, a place I sensed ‘source’ and a deep unshakable peace and calm. The more I visited this place of mind and soul, the more it became clear to me where our true Self resides.
Meditation does not have to be for hours and hours in a cave on an auspicious mountain. As a beginner, try for just a few minuets at a time, perhaps once in the morning and again in the evening.
Don’t expect great, immediate change or awakening, it is a practice, just like everything else. Do be willing to accept what surfaces and try to be the witness. The less we expect, the less we find ourselves projecting and attaching into the future and the more we can truly remain present. Remember, the idea is to become detached.
Relax, I assure you that clenched shoulders, jaw and a fierce gaze will not get you anywhere…..it is a journey within you, let it be sweet and inviting, not forced.
Connect to a steady, soft, quiet breath. Sama Vriti (equal ratio) is a good yogic breath to begin with. Draw deep diaphragmatic belly breath in and out through the nose. Allow the inhales and the exhales to be the same in length. This breath allows for the mind to have a present activity of counting to focus on, and the body to slip into a rhythm (all things in nature function with rhythms).
Watch thoughts come in and out, focus on the space between and simply Be in your own still company. Trust you are safe and believe in your capacity to release yourself from your story; the negative internal commentary that often paralyzes us from living with a sense of trust, ambition and worthiness.
It’s an incredible practice, and my favorite one to this day. Changing our thoughts, changes our life. Detaching from unhealthy patterns brings freedom from suffering. My journey is proof, may you, too, find the inspiration within you!
