When my youngest son was in preschool, we went on a field trip to Krispy Cream doughnuts. The gaggle of 4 and 5 year-olds were ecstatic to learn how the donut masters make something so delicious. My son instructed me to pay very close attention to the recipe (of course to be replicated at home). We had a behind the scenes, VIP pass to a sweet-tooth haven. We got to mix, pull, bake and of course taste the frosted delights. It was, indeed, a treat.
As the doughnuts came out of the oven two-by-two on a conveyor belt, a young man stood inspecting their quality and appearance. Company policy stated if there was even the most subtle ding, dent, flattened edge….it went straight into the trash. Yes, straight into the trash. As I am watching this wasteful process, trash bin full of food that could at least go to those begging along side street corners, I hear a little girl with apprehension in her vice ask, “So, if they aren’t perfect, they aren’t worth anything?” He responds, “Yup, they all have to look the same for them to be good enough.” She looked puzzled. I bit my tongue realizing that my often overly-sensitive and analytical mind can project unnecessary fears. My son commented, “That’s really sad, the doughnuts that aren’t perfect, still taste amazing inside.”
No matter what life does to us, we are all still amazing inside.
This false sense of perfectionism feels like an over-arching cultural message that seems to saturate our schema form early on. Fit in, be perfect, it doesn’t matter what’s going on inside, look the part and be bought and when you subscribe to this business, you will be happy. The truth is, it doesn’t work. There seems to be constant struggle and grasping at what we ‘should’ be rather than accepting, and embracing who we are and our own unique process.
Its easy to compare ourselves to others, competition is engrained in us from early on. We are a culture that is essentially built on segregation, but the reality is we are all so much more connected than we realize. No matter what we do to ‘cover up’, we all have dings and dents, doubts, fears and imperfections. Equally, we are all amazing, powerful, unique, divine, and delicious beings. We all just want to be seen, to be known, and to be validated. None of us really know exactly what the hell we are doing, we are all learning as we go. Can’t we just admit that and be vulnerable and genuine in our shared discovery of what it means to be humans?
I often hear people down on themselves because they aren’t where they ‘should’ be in terms of relationship, finance, career, parenting, or spiritual practices despite their good efforts of working towards goals and dreams. They are comparing themselves to others, and under the assumption that others are really happier and better off, and it is leaving an impression that they are the doughnut that belongs in the trash. This comparing is devastating and can manifest into a myriad of burdensome feelings. Comparison is often rooted in assumptions, judgments and projections that create worst-case scenarios and fuel lack of self-compassion. We don’t know what really goes on behind the scenes of other people’s lives. Be dedicated to your own.
For as many people as there are on this planet, that is the possible ways to live life. There need not be a specific course. Guidelines sure, but a cultural ‘norm’, nope that comes with each person understanding their unique composition and forging their own way. Perhaps the joy and freedom in life comes from making it your own. Really, the American dream doesn’t have to be about conformity, it’s about having the freedom to choose, the freedom to create. How blessed we are.
Comparing our lives’ to other’s because of silly, archaic standards that are incongruent with our personalized ideologies is soul starving, a waste of energy, and lie that will perpetuate a social order of de-evolution. In order for the social message to adapt, we must challenge it within our own frame of reference, within our own psyche, with our genuine belief in our uniqueness and the willingness to accept our process, even if bumpy, as an important contribution to the world. Enough minds change, enough behavior changes, then the social order will reflect our internal evolution of acceptance and we can unite as a culture that embraces diversity. We can all build our lives to look like whatever the fuck feels right for us, and not be shamed or guilt-ed into thinking it is less because it is different.
If you don’t want kids, don’t have them!
If you want to breastfeed in public, do it. If you don’t, don’t!
If you don’t want to be married, don’t do it!
If you do want to be married, ladies purpose to him or her.
If you want to be a gypsy mom raising her kids internationally, figure it our and go for it!
If you have a craft or talent that is stifled because of too many hours in a career you hate, dare to make a change!
If you want to market your business your way, trust that process and represent yourself!
If you want to do chemo, it’s your body.
If you want higher education, embrace the possibility!
If you want to grow pot medically, do it! It helps people.
If you want gobs of money and aren’t rich yet, look at the wealth in your life in terms of love. All is coming.
If you want to start your own T.V. show on activism, be the change!
I could go on and on (having some fun here). Align with the things that bring you joy and feed your passions, root them in integrity and respect and have the courage to live YOUR life. Trust it takes some time to build, so accept where you are and embrace the process of creation and discovery.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver
Around the time of the doughnut tour, my boys and I were focusing home lessons on various endangered species. When discussing that ‘endangered’ meant ‘not many left’, my oldest son paused and contemplated. He then said, “So, I am an endangered species because I am the ONLY one left of my kind in the WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE….I am the ONLY one of me EVER!!!” “Yes, there isn’t another human or star like you son, you are the only one and that makes you magnificent.” He responded, “that makes us all magnificent, mamma!”
We are ALL magnificent; accept your greatness, walk your way
. God only made one of you for a reason; let your life authentically represent who you are.
Blessings, Namaste, Aho
Robin Afinowich
p.s. Notice the beautiful diversity of those doughnut!
