Robin Bird burning
Like a Phoenix Rising
I melt in the heart of pain
Where I fight to come alive again!
Recently I have been held captive by a series of long, and seemingly unbearable episodes of migraines, spine and joint pain. Not to mention a rather pessimistic approach. Yes, that’s right, even a yogi can have periods of doubt and struggle. For those of you that don’t know…I am human, and sometimes I even swear, and eat chocolate and forget to breathe. My journey of yoga and healing was initiated not only to relieve pain in my body, but to clear my mind and emotions and to connect to a greater, peaceful Self. So it should come as no surprise that upon further inquiry of my recent bodily limitations I have revealed a space of the spirit that is again seeking more meaningful nourishment, healing and understanding.
When our bodies hurt, it is a reminder to listen, to move inward and to really observe what is going on, to notice where the imbalances are. For a second, I actually believed that the pain was only physical, I have done all my emotional ‘work’, so it couldn’t possibly be that…..well, I was proved wrong after my first doctors appointment as I was driving home I began to sob, like a baby, like a mother crying for the whole of the world. I wasn’t crying because of the physical, that I had almost become numb to, I was crying because the physical gave me a vehicle, a tool to connect to a realm of emotion and self that is boundless, without form, and once I allowed myself into the dark corner of this particular pain, the body created a release, tears, shaking, short breath to express the sensation deep beyond nerves and bones. An expression that clearly was demanding to be heard, felt and released. I was humbled to think the emotional ‘work’ of my past was over. Have you spent so many years recovering from something, whether it is grief, abuse, neglect, addiction, or assault and then you get to a great point of clarity to where your life is no longer controlled with the memories and emotions that consumed the ‘story’. You begin to establish a new role with yourself, with others, your relationships become healthy and whole and you feel like you have moved on? Then, 5 or 30 years later, something happens, a trigger that sends you back to the ‘work’ you are supposed to be clear of? Yes, I know most, if not all, of you, can relate. We’ve all said at some point, “I though I was done with that, I thought I let it go.” Consider this: If, theoretically, emotion is boundless, without form, infinite and largely related to energy, can it ever really go away? No, our receptivity to it changes, as well as our perception of it. Emotional pain resurfaces after years because, in my opinion, we have come to a greater knowing of Self and life and there is an intuitive, energetic part of us that becomes attracted to the pain again and recognizes there is still a deep wealth of knowledge and evolution involved it the readdressing the pain. There is room to grow from it still, and ultimately it is our life purpose to evolve beyond the pain and become free from the suffering. When things come back, invite them in. Pain reminds us that to expand, we must move beyond what is comfortable and get through the walls of what is holding us back.
I shall not withhold darker days of expression and sharing because the story does not always revolve around joy, rainbows and butterflies. I will not deny my human experience from absorbing and releasing deep layers of emotional pain, and I will not allow them to sweep over and cloud my perception. I will know pain as a teacher, a Being of itself. I will invite my pains’ to tea and embrace the expression and sensations that may come. Expression is simply, an outwardly display reflecting an internal state of awareness or sensation. Sensation is simply a feeling, a calling and cry for attention deep within, muscle, bone, energy, and spirit. It is our mind that wants to define it as good or bad. We must be willing to feel and express pain, to let it move through us with the same permission as waves of laughter. To live without suffering we must be willing to fully explore the suffering it is we want to dissolve. Just as we would throw our selves into the heat of love and joy, we must give our self fully to whatever feelings have arrived. To seek balance and truth is to know that beauty lays in the heart of pain and ugliness, for at the root of ALL things, good, bad, happy, sad, there is the same source, and the nature of Source is Peace. So yes, even in pain there is peace, with pain there is promise of hope and potential and a reminder of what we live for. It is the process of journeying into pain that we discover our lessons and we learn to love and accept ourselves and others unconditionally. We can approach the pain objectively, taking the powerful seat of the observer, and listen to what the pain is saying. Emotional pain is another part of the practice, another veil, which can gently soften over time by giving it attention, not attachment or judgment, and asking it to come into the sacred space of the heart; to be felt and to be freed. Like all things it has the potential to reveal its original state of peace.
So, my journey continues with great awareness and acceptance, and I approach my healing with wholesome attunement; my spine, joints and brain will sit with the Doctors, but my soul will invite the deeper pain to tea.
Robin Afinowich
