Continued… My Journey In and Out, Final Part (for now)
I think due to my inherently contemplative nature and my love for meditation came with relative ease for me. It was a familiar horizon in the back of my mind that I had visited often in my younger years and it was a welcoming home as I began to dedicate more time revisiting this place. It was a place where I often saw ‘things’, felt messages and developed a path to the intuition of my heart.It was a vast field of nothingness, yet gave me the sensation that everything was right there, waiting to be experienced. I would lie in this field and watch the thoughts pass through the sky like clouds.At different points in my life, my mediation takes on different forms and sensations, all of which have provided a unique connection to peace and reflection. It was through this clarity and detachment that I began to separate myself from my ‘story’ and remember my true essence.
I recognized the importance of honoring my body and mind as the vehicle to this peace and deep spiritual connection. I stopped drinking and smoking and set an intention to find guidance and support for the internal ‘work’ I was facing.My most loving father lead me to the support of two incredibly nurturing and encouraging women, one a counselor and one a Dr. Both left healing impressions on my fragile soul; impressions that gave me tools to move forward and become the woman I am today.
Perhaps one of the greatest breakthroughs I had was the day I had come to one of my sessions with the frustration that I wanted to cry, but it wouldn’t surface. I told her that I would think of sad things to encourage the release.I would look at images of tragedy around the world, I would recall things that hurt me in the past; no tears came. Instead of crying my emotions revealed them-selves as a steam engine of fire, heat, billowing smoke all engulfed in the fit of rage. Anger was a comfortable feeling for me, not because I really enjoyed it, and certainly not because I was in control of it, but rather anger gave me a sense, a false one at that, of power. When you show the face of rage people don’t mess with you. When you’re angry you look strong, even though deep down you feel stripped raw and vulnerable to the world.‘If people fear you, they will respect you’, I recalled these words of advice from an early age and grew up believing them. Anger and rage were so much a part of my conditioning when it came time for me, as a young adult, to release I couldn’t. I was mad that I couldn’t cry. I was saddened by my anger, but eyes remained dry behind a cold wall of armor.
At that time, along with the pursuit of a BA in Justice Studies I was incredibly dedicated to the study of various Eastern philosophies as well as western psychology. My counselor suggested that I actually try a yoga class, encouraging me to feel confident in my body as well as to perhaps, initiate an emotional release. I thought this a strange concept; learn yoga to learn to cry? None the less, I was at point where I would try anything and judge nothing.
Initially, I was too self conscious to take a public class so I created a space in my home and established the discipline to practice at least twice a day. My yoga was really more along the lines holding standing and seated poses for long periods of time, lying around, stretching, breathing and a cross between what I call ‘sleep-a-tating’ half awake, half a meditative state. It felt fantastic and became a regular part of my morning and evening routines. Though I did not find an emotional release of sadness and tears, I did gain much relief from every day stressors and random bouts of anger.I excelled in my studies, made great progress in therapy and revealed a more peaceful approach to accepting my self worth.I was able to connect to myself with positive body image and self respect. Through the simple movement and deep openings of body my consciousness seemed to shift as well and enhanced my meditations. Yoga and meditation sustained me throughout college, career and parenting. Though there were many times I fell close to rock bottom, I always found the inspiration to stand back up, a little stronger, more centered and more dedicated to my journey.
The time came when I mustered the courage to take a class outside my home. It was a strong class that challenged my boundaries; I learned to move through the resistance in body and mind. About half way through the class it came to me as another form of meditation.It felt natural and I was deeply inspired by the partnership of movement and breath creating the sensation that my spirit was dancing.Towards the end of class we went into pigeon, a deep hip opener, and it was then that the flood gates opened. I started sobbing, weeping, shaking, releasing from what felt like every cell of my body, every corner of my mind, every part of my being. I was finally able to let go. My eyes were moist with liberation, my wings started to open, and my real journey of healing clear to me.
It was in my willingness and ability to release that I began to establish a deeper relationship to space within body, mind and soul. I had, for a number of years, intellectualized my personal work; and done so with great accomplishment. However, this was a pivotal point when I recognized the intense connection between mind and body, energy and spirit. I contemplated the correlation between attachment, the unnecessary holding of our stories, and the degree of suffering as a result of this bound and restricted self.I realized that though I had made much progress, a greater part of me remained locked up, paralyzed with self doubt and fear. I needed to reconnect to the Source and Spirit that was my greatest companion and inspiration as a child. I was still choosing to keep my soul window closed. I was neglecting to nourish and know the root of my being. I needed to release and free not just body and mind but my soul and the true essence, power, and intuition held within.
I dove deep into Soul Self and began reconnecting to my most important relationship, the part of my being that is infinite and boundless and holds ultimate potential; the part of my being that is not contained in form, thought, story or ego. The part of my being that is not fragmented from the struggles, challenges and pains life brings but rather the wholeness and vitality that sustains me. Working at the level of soul invited me to trust in my ability to overcome and transcend my limitations. I accepted my ability to be a vessel in which peace, knowledge and wisdom could move through. My practices, and eventually teachings, evolved into a sacred and intuitive form of healing and awareness that rekindled the light I had dimmed for so long. Just as a child, the Stargazer within began to contemplate the vastness of the universe, the potential held within me and my role in the world…but now I saw my place through eyes of a woman’s soul window open for the first time!
