My stomach rolled with anxiousness and excitement, like a little girl getting to pick her first pony. Stacey lead me to the barn where half a dozen stunning rescue horses awaited their call to duty. I wanted to work with all of the horses; each seemed to share something unique and deeply appealing. However, it was Halo that captured me and drew me in. Her crisp, sea-blue eyes, braided mane and black and white prints were breathtaking. Her beauty was wild and I wanted to see a part of myself in her. I saw other parts of myself in her; I recognized sadness and a longing (interestingly enough she had, just days prior, lost her dear companion and daughter). I recognized a stubborn fierceness, an unpredictable defiance, and a slight uncertainty of her place, all of which were later confirmed. Within minutes Halo dismantled my armor, left me exposed and became a mirror, a reflection of my own inner energies and emotions. She didn’t say a word, she didn’t do anything, we hadn’t even gotten her to the corral where the ‘real’ work was to begin. She held a kind of therapeutic space for me that was unlike any human. I knew I had to spend my session with Halo, and she taught me more about myself than I ever could have imagined. Halo changed my life and proved that wisdom is rooted in all things, even a horse.
Boot heals and warn hooves kicked up sun baked dirt into clouds of dust that lingered in the parched Arizona air, mixed with the scents of mesquite and wild blooms, leaving an authentic taste of the once untouched and rustic west. Beneath blonde, wind-blown hair and under the brim of her straw hat she keenly watched every hip check, right step, leg stomp, twitch, shiver, tail swag or neigh to discern the hidden messages of ‘horse speak’. While hollering and strutting her own steady gallop she would, without hesitation, slap the lasso along her tough denim thigh and the four-legged would dance around the corral under her horsewoman spell. She commanded the horse with a stern grace that clearly defined the relationship between her and the mystically captivating apprentice. Observing from my humble seat I was in awe, until she said, “watch closely, dear, because you have to do this next.” I grew nervously curios.
It had been over 15 years since I was with a horse. Alone in the corral with Halo, she felt much bigger, her presence was powerful and intimidating. Her stature alone made a statement of strength, and her almost manipulative, but more-so endearing eye winking implied a charm that I felt unworthy of receiving. I was now the one to grip the ropes, not with a hand of ease as Stacy tactfully demonstrated, but a sweaty palm grasping for control. Guiding me from the sidelines, my coach says, “Robin, get that horse to move, get her to run, get her to stop, get her to turn all at your will!!” Immediately I questioned my ability. I worried that I would do it wrong or that I would fail. I worried that I might scare or hurt Halo. I feared what my mentor would think of me and how I might be judged. I worried that Halo would go mad and stomp me to a shameful death. I questioned my motives, I questioned my technique, I questioned my role. I became paralyzed by these fears, these false projections and old attachments and I stood in the center of my world with a horse silently laughing at me as I witnessed my complete vulnerability and lack of assertiveness.
As if a grand ballroom mirror arrived, I saw the biggest most Ah-ha reflection; Halo not only showed me my own characteristics but she showed me how I approach much of my life, certainly my career and relationships. I invest too much energy in worry, fear, judgment and scenarios that are based on ‘what if’ projections. I saw that I ddi not invest enough energy in my self-respect or self-faith. I did not invest enough energy in my assertiveness, likely because somewhere along the way I misinterpreted assertiveness for disrespectful confrontation.
As these floods of awareness came pouring in, and as if she knew what I was thinking, I heard Stacie’s encouragement, “Be BIG, Robin, BE POSITIVELY BIG, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!” I think, “Who do I think I am to be BIG? I’m not allowed to be BIG, and when I am its only because I am angry, or wearing a suite that isn’t fully me…but she’s giving me permission to be POSITIVELY BIG!” I slapped the ropes, I took a few leaping strides, I hollered like a real cowgirl, and I got that stubborn horse to move!!!! It wasn’t the finely attuned dance Stacey displayed, my assertiveness was fare from perfect and clearly a new practice, quiet a hilarious display, I am sure, but none-the-less it was enough to break me.
Blessing, Namaste, Aho
Robin Afinowich
I am happy to say in the months following my session with Halo and Stacey, I have felt a serge of self-compassion, self-worth, self-love and an explosion of empowerment, faith and assertiveness. Working with horses is one of the most healing and insightful forms of therapy. Particularly, for those of you who appreciate concepts of energy and transference, you will love the reciprocity between you and the horse. They are mirrors that reflect back, energetically, what is often too hard, or conditioned, to address through language or talk therapy. If you are interested in equine assisted coaching? I share with you, the wonderful and gifted, Stacey J. Warner. Stacy has an open clinic April 13, for only 50 buck-a-roos, take advantage of this wonderful opportunity! Click the link above for contact info.
