I really do aspire to be a mostly positive and peaceful being. I think I like the idea of moving through the world with sparkles and divine awakening. However, the reality is I am equally as moody, cantankerous, feisty, and often very well guarded. Much of which has significantly improved over the years of self-study but much of which continues to be simply who I am. I have to accept that my composition was built from heightened need to survive and thrive in ugliness…and perhaps some interesting karma, too. The reality is I am accustom, and quit comfortable, with the darker shades of life. This does not mean that I don’t enjoy peaceful episodes and blissful epiphanies, this means that when I go deep, I often go dark. I am honoring the shadow part of me with the same respect as the lighter ways of life.
This year I have been doing deep work with anger and grief. Two HUGE emotions, both of which are frowned upon. Woman can’t be angry or we are bitches, and we can’t cry or we are weak. I am angry and sad. I have no shame in this admission…..to hold my truth without shame makes my anger and sadness powerful. I like that I can be a strong and that I can be sensitive…. what that really means is that I am fierce and intuitive. This is not darkness or negativity, this is power untapped, power that once had to mask itself. Power that is now free.
I have recently been addressing some issues in my spine. It was my acupuncturist/healer friend that introduced me to the Dragon in the back of my heart (over 20 years of her love and care, she has introduced me to many of my shadows). It was with her precise needles that diligently tried to exile the fire breather that kept anger held tight around my heart. Anger that really was an honest, yet confused, method of preservation, a false sense of security. Anger that I have always harbored and that I likely came into the world with and that was strengthened with a paralyzing sense of despair for unjust ways.
As a healer and yogi I should not harbor such anger (sarcastic, self-righteous eye roll). I should think it away, breathe it away, enlighten it away. For years I tried to quiet it, control it, remove it without fully acknowledging why it wanted to stay in me for so long. It was ‘dark’ and ‘bad’ and wasn’t allowed. What I have come to realize is that this anger, this dragon in the heart, like all good dragons, was protecting a fine treasure. It was a dark ally who swooped into me in many episodes of my life when I was shaken with terror, and it cupped within its wide wings and clawed hands a part of my soul….not to harm but to hide from the true darkness that wanted to devour me fully, that wanted to consume all of my power. This beautifully intense dragon has been loyally protecting this treasure of me….so loyal it wouldn’t even let me touch the gems within myself until I was wise enough to understand.
When my healer friend pierced me with her needles I became furious, the dragon literally pushed the needles away, my skin flushed red and bled, I thought I might punch the Dr. in the face .I was fighting, literally, for survival…..and then in a fit of exhaustion I acknowledged that the dragon was there all long to help me survive. In that moment of acceptance I broke open, the mounting life-long grief and ensuing floods cooled the heat of rage and soothed the loyal temperament of my winged warrior. In an river of tears she stayed with me, a guard always keeping the security of my deepest soul, my deepest treasure of self safe. When the flood subsided, she stepped out of the way and I could lay healing in a bed of soul gems that I was desperately awaiting reunion with. A profound dancing-in-the-dark soul retrieval, if you will.
This is what the darkness often holds, pats of our souls. In the clinical psychology world, we call this is dissociation….a part of psyche is split and separated during trauma. In the Shamanic world, it is an energetic and spiritual disembodiment……in both realms healing (by definition means, to make whole again) is the process of Self/Soul retrieval, reintegration and assimilation of these estranged parts. Until we are willing to journey to the deep dark, we will remain fractured, dissociated, separated….something else with benefit from our power and potential.
There is no greater way to retrieve our power than facing the darkness. When we have the courage to go into the shadow we will discover that there are guides that can see in the dark and take us to our long lost soul treasures. They will teach us that the old ways of coping are no longer needed. We are NEVER alone in the dark. Not all dark is bad. It can’t always be light. The sun can’t always shine. It isn’t always summer, the seasons aren’t all one. It defies the laws of nature to think that light is the only way. We will always have Spirit keepers in the shadows working with us. The nights sky is dark, yet there are star, moon, planet, nebula allies that light the way.
It is my belief in the laws of nature that allow me to see in the dark, my belief that there is goodness even in the wake of pain. It is possible. It has to be. We must make meaning from the pain or the pain will win. When we cultivate meaning from our suffering we regain our power. The terms of the ‘story’ are rewritten from the narrative of a victim to a voice of empowerment, resiliency, advocacy and liberation. This is seeing in the dark.
It is scary to walk in the shadows. It seems counter-intuitive to embrace our pain, but avoiding it in fear (False Evidence Appears Real) the pain will forever keep our power in the hands of someone or something else. …that is real darkness; power in the hands of something unworthy or our greatness.
Journey to the dark, honor and trust the cloaked allies. Maybe there is a Dragon in your heart waiting to return a piece of your soul.
Blessings, Namaste, Aho
Robin Afinowich
