My healing and story-telling often lean to the eco-psychological and Shamanic teachings that use nature as metaphor for understanding deep psyche and soul. By developing a respectful and curious relationship to the natural world we can feel more connected to all of life and our unique place within the Great Mystery. Nature is the oldest, wisest teacher. She has been here long before cognitive humans, has given birth to gazillions of life forms and has sustained more than we can imagine. We have much to learn from her ways. Today, I call on the energy of Mother Bear.
There has been a tender part of myself being held in the sleeping, healing paws of mother bear. Winter is soon to an end and she will release my shadow self from the cave of contemplation, and with wide-eyes I will meet the light that spring dawn delivers welcoming new beginnings. Despite the new season ahead, I must draw on Bear’s wisdom one more time before stepping onto new ground. In fact, it is with her knowledge that I will choose which ground I walk.
Most bears typically do not return to the same den (bear in mind, I am not an expert…seek advise from my sister, or any other Montana Grizzly Guru, for true bear knowledge…I speak in metaphor). Once they emerge from the dark they are on course to explore new territory, new home, new security, new resources, and new life. Bears are not aggressive until their hierarchy of needs are compromised or threatened. Bears, without hesitation, know and how to stand up for themselves and do what is needed to survive and keep safe. Bears know how to define their boundaries and understand which lands they must persist in defending. It is these bear attributes that I have been attuning to for a number of seasons, both personally and professionally.
Two of the biggest re-occurring themes I see in my private practice are 1) a belief that one’s needs, opinions and values do not matter, and 2) difficulty with boundaries (defining them, holding them, adapting them). These struggles have been very real for me as well. Most of my life, I have thought other’s people’s needs were more important than mine. As if somehow self-sacrifice was an honorary guarantee of safety and approval. With this came the toxic belief that standing up for myself was confrontational, disrespectful and would result in pain, disapproval or judgment. It also came with the habit of simply not letting people in, and more dangerously not letting myself out. Often we develop unnecessary boundaries based on this fear, and in this self-containment and restraint we silence voice and heart resulting in soul suicide. A bear dying in the cave because she didn’t believe she deserved to see the light of sun again. Bears don’t get burdened by such disbelief, they adhere to the laws of nature that say, “get up and tend to your life because that is what you are here to do.”
From the heart and strength of mother bear who takes fierce care, here is a basic spring cleaning cognition and behavioral check list:
Are you able to express your needs to partners, family, friends, and colleagues? (Without guilt or hesitation?) The first step is to adjust your thoughts and emotions so that you believe your needs matter. You must be willing to truly trust that you can ask for what is best for you. If you are having a hard time with this, write down a list of why you think you don’t matter, then challenge each reason with the opposite statement.
-Keep in mind powerful body language, 80-90% of our communication stems from implicit signals. Stand tall, firm and be directive with soft, yet focused eyes, regal, but not threatening. Avoid rounded shoulders or collapsed torso and abdomen. Keep feet pointed parallel (external feet is an invitation to cross boundary, internal feet is often inductive of defeat….parallel is neutral).
-Tone in voice is also important. Not too commanding, but not timid. A strong message delivered sweet like honey.
-Practice what you wish to convey. Get used to saying the words. Get used to the feeling it creates when you self-advocate. Absorb your power and believe it as you practice.
-If people interrupt you, kindly say something like, “I am curious to hear what you have to say, but I’d like to finish my point first.”
-Acknowledge that sometimes when we take care of ourselves we get a better view of the people who might not be healthy in our life.
-Try to speak up at least three times a day. It could be as simple as, “yes, I want Chinese food for dinner.” Instead of, “I don’t know, what do you want.”
-Get to know yourself….what are your values, what are your needs, what does life look life on your terms?
Are you the other kind of Bear that has no problem expressing themselves by thrashing roar and waiving sharp claw? I have a fiery temper, I get it. Often I am one extreme or the other….and many times the temper comes from silencing a voice too long.
-Ask yourself if the hostility is necessary to deliver your message.Sometimes we are loud because we feel that is the only way to be heard.Not true, we can be powerful without being abrasive.
-Does being aggressive provide a false sense of control or security? Explore other ways to manage emotions and feel safe .Remember, ‘control’ often keeps us grasping to fears and boundaries that might not be necessary anymore.
-Are you able to define boundaries that teach other people to respect you and your space? Setting boundaries signals confidence not weakness.
-Are you maintaining boundaries that are trapping you and keeping positive, growth-oriented experiences away? For instance, my difficulty with trust kept me walled up in an isolated fortress and denied myself of healthy relationships, friendships and professional partnerships. Am I still cautious? Of course, but I have learned when, and how, to let the draw bridge to my emotional castle down.
-Again, determine your values. What is most important to you, what are your non-negotiable terms and hold yourself accountable for not compromising them.
-Follow your words with actions and determine if there are consequences when boundaries are crossed.
-Say what you mean and mean what you say.
-Know, and honor, your limits. Often we feel pushed emotionally and viscerally (my chest and gut and fists get heavy and hot), trust this sensation and give yourself permission to be assertive. Give yourself permission to say, NO, to stop and to remove yourself. When we feel pushed and don’t advocate for our self, we send the message that they can continue to treat us in this manner. We also create a deep internal damage that makes us doubt our right to self-care and self respect.
Are you a boundary pushing bear?
-Ask yourself, is the desire to push based on judgment, assumption or expectation that your way is the ‘best’ way? Learn to honor people’s unique path, even if different. Not every bear in the forest is the same.
-Do you challenge boundaries because you need a deeper connection? Ask for it, don’t demand it.
-Are your needs or opinions more important than someone else’s? Why, and does this bring people closer or further away from you?
-Learn what your boundaries are and determine the ways you would want people to respect them, then try this method with others.
As Spring time wakes the Bear, and as we step out from the caves, we can call on her one more time to harness her expertise. Getting what you need and holding strong to your territory is not being selfish or confrontational. It is, according to the intelligence of nature, essential for optimal survival. This spring I invite you to crystallize life on your terms. Assess your needs, speak on their behalf, determine your ground and be willing to protect it, fill the new landscape with thoughts and behaviors, people and experiences that respect and honor you. Choose a life that is sustainable and healthy, we are by nature designed to do this.
Perhaps in this field, plant some blueberries and meet Bear there to remember that you matter.
Blessings,
Robin Afinowich
