I stumbled upon this journal entry that I wrote when I was going through my cancer treatment. It was a time that was not only physically draining but one that brought up much in the way of my deeper conditioning. I am compelled to share because the subject matter seems salient to what I am witnessing with many of my friends, colleagues and clients…that is this underlying ‘need’ to push, to keep fighting, to keep doing and going. Though I admire the fierceness of our inner warrior, there are times when even our strongest self must stop and find refuge.
“I have no fight left in me. That doesn’t mean I’ve lost. I’ve changed the color of the battlefield and pinned it with white flags. To be a fighting warrior, you must have unharnessed energy to lift your sword and a strong rage to deliver your battle cry. But at times I can barely lift my own head, nor draw a voice beyond a whisper so I am learning how to be a quiet warrior. One who finds honor in silence and stillness, bravery in sacrifice, serenity in prayer. One who cultivates strength and wisdom by leaning into uncertainty. There comes a point when rest, acceptance, and peace are more important than defeat. Of course I’m fighting the disease, the treatment, but most days I am just fighting myself. I don’t want to battle myself, so I lay down my sword and I remove my armor and I sit in the middle of the battle field, and it is here that I look around and witness the beauty of my life. It is here, in the center, without the fight, where I come to know what it means to be a quiet warrior, and it is from here that I know I have already won.”
Although the cancer circumstance might not pertain to everyone, the common thread of needing to do more to be more, needing to fight and push is a crippling reality in many, if not most, people’s lives. We live in a culture that over-values productivity and rewards the more is better attitude. But at what cost? When we are constantly fighting, we exhaust our inner resources, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Our health suffers, our relationships suffer, and our connection to Source suffers. Pushing against what is defies the intelligence of nature. When we force or resist, we constrict the flow of energy, faith, and the potential to grow. Ironically, the more we fight, the more we become addicted to it (literally, chemically) and in this self-induced stress the further away from inner peace we are.
Sometimes we need to let down the armor and demonstrate courage through vulnerability and with a trust that something bigger than our coercive ego will support us. I am referring to the little ego, the part of self that often fights to establish a false sense of security and control in the world, the part of self that fights to be deemed worthy. We are worthy beyond the fight. We are worthy when we can’t do it all. We are worthy when we aren’t in control. We are worthy when we are weak. We are worthy because we are who we are, because we are here, and that is more than enough. Our value is not contingent on how much we do or produce, or how visible we are to the world. It is not contingent upon the intensity of the fight, but rather, at times, the grace and quality of surrender, the quality of living through it.
I invite you to rest, take off the punching gloves and find some freedom without the fight, without the stress of needing to do more or pushing against the circumstances that are beyond your control. Find freedom by accepting the unpredictable and beautifully messy process of life. Together we can cultivate strength, resilience, and inspiration from the gentle and humble warriors within, the true keepers of the peace.
Blessings, Namaste, Aho,
Robin Afinowich
